My Life, Dancing in the Streetlight Sound (A Trilogy)

My Life, Dancing in the Streetlight Sound (Upon a Loved One)

Fact 1: The Sound of Light

A shadow is covering that page in the book of history

Not the important one that wouldn´t mention

The painful and lovesome

But the record of our thirst for the life

We´ve been dreaming of

In bloom and agony of this our youth -

A ghost now is dwelling in places

We used to wander

And it feels like we met in a dream

A dream of better beauty and more anxious love

A life is where you are not

You did not tell me where you were heading for

Nor that you would go at all

So I be-ordered my mind on papered wings,

But is there a way I can find to nowhere?

My senses seem cramped around a picture

Of you, in the sunny mood of a peevish day

No, I won´t ever get to you again

Neither do I realise the impact of loss

My mourning feels so corrupted

That it makes me want to disappear

From the surface of the moon, from the surface

Of my superficial concerns, they don´t stand the brightness of day

I´m ashamed

I´m ashamed, I can´t tell black from white

Fact 2: Compromised Dancing

Can I see your smiling face shining with the stars

When I look up for them, fading lights?

So much a sign of life for us, yet dead for long when they

Come to being, by means, we bring them forth in our very hearts reception

Energies meander, and shape is eventually temporary

At least not reliable

Are you watching our daily clumsiness from above?

Do you accompany this our run-and-hide, hide-and-seek?

I wish to imagine you smiling, as that is what your heart was like

Whenever a single soul was reliant on comfort

Perhaps you got a little moved, moved on us, moved

On the moment we were sacrificing in a memory for you

Or maybe that was our excuse for mourning ourselves

But you know that there are way more important things to tell

Since you left us

Because we have to live on

And

You cannot help us in that anymore

It is our own sole thing to find

Ourselves alone

Fact 3: Life is a Wall, Love is the Bricks

Laughter, Invisibly to Grief It Sticks

You left a mark on the lonesome road we travel

A sign for us to find

This memory, some fading images

Your voice, grown unfamiliar over the years

It recalls all the fear and compassion

Some stubborn mistakes that are meant to pass

And everything that no one will ever be able to put in words

No one except the two of us

But words won´t find us ease

You left us here, a life well behind

And an idea in our trembling hearts

That it is our life

And our own sole thing to find

Can you see now?

(final version: 9/May/2005; written in February)

My Life, Dancing. (Part 2 - In Loving Memory, Yours)

My Life, Dancing Part 2:

In Loving Memory, Yours…

You know, I will always remember the first time we were talking to

each other while I was working in the kitchen. And every time

I remember, it bursts my heart. I don´t want to feel this sudden

ache, and yet I cannot live without it.

I know that I will see you again.

I know that I will carry you with me for the rest of my lifetime.

As an image, maybe. Fading. Pieces of memory that I will wonder

once where they came from, why they made me feel so hard that it seemed there was

no space left for any other emotion.

I could not focus, I could not read, not study. I guess I am

thinking too much. I cannot help it.

It seems so real and unreal at the same time. Is this

My life?

I know that I will see you again. I saved some corner of my

Heart, and I planted a flower there, and I watched it grow and get

Old and finally die. I watched it die with my heart one day, in a

Picture of you. Once I wondered where I had taken it from, and

Then I remembered how it used to be like when I was living in

Kalmar nation while I was supposed to live in Uppsala. By that

Time I remembered the days I had spent waiting for you, watching

You before my inner eye. The aches I had suffered, the pleasures

I had met. I felt your eyes on me, they were talking to me, like

They wanted to tell things I would never hear. I saw you smile,

Like you used to, and I heard you breathing. I saw your hair

Moving around your neck like it was living.

Then my heart took a leap, and stopped from beating.

I will write a song about you, I will never see that clear again.

Two days ago I was told that you died in a car accident,

On the way to that vacation you always had wanted to spend

In a country quite far from here.

I would like to think you were happy then.

I never saw you again.

(November 2004)

My Life, Dancing. (Part 3 - The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things)

My Life, Dancing Part 3:

The Heart is Deceitful Above all Things

handsome mankind who begun insulting me:

wonderful rapture lay down near the soft wing of an angel

all these emotions outshine my faint heart

as this breast in bloom cries a chorus of pain

wind harped the night there I saw her in my day sleep

and even the most ugly dog must be some symphony of heaven…

They told me that you passed away

You passed away, and I do hardly know you

Though we would always be called friends

You died, only a few days ago

And I didn´t talk to you for ages

And most likely I will never do that again

If I only had some witty imagination

To give your old face some familiar shape

That would actually well relieve my grievance

Thus my grievance is only shame

And pity for the plain fate that I know

I am gonna endure

Not mourning for a loss that I don´t really feel

Death only makes me reflect on my own misery

I guess, that is what most of us is giving the creeps

And then it hits me like a stroke

You and me, we are in deed the same!

Where could you ever be, if not inside of me?!

Living in worlds my memory orchestrated

Living in words, in walls my feeling painted

Shared memory, never will I stand alone

Now that I know where to find you

In here you´ll be existing as if you

Never had been anywhere else

My friend, I am you, and you are here

And that is what matters most now

Is how well you walk through the mirror

Is: You are to save my day

Epilogue:

handsome mankind who begun insulting me:

wonderful rapture lay down near the soft wing of an angel

all these emotions outshine my faint heart

as this breast in bloom cries a chorus of pain

wind harped the night there I saw her in my day sleep

and even the most ugly dog must be some symphony of heaven…

Gilgamesh, where are you hurrying to?

You will never find that life for which you are looking. When the gods created man

They alotted to him death, but life they retained in their own keeping.

As for you, Gilgamesh, fill your belly with good things; day and night, night and day,

Dance and be merry, feast and rejoice. Let your clothes be fresh, bathe yourself in water,

Cherish the little child that holds your hand, and make your wife happy in your embrace,

For this too is the lot of man.

(October 24, 2004 )